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dontevenjoke

New Product- PetriCad 1.0 (The Final Release)

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MID-TERM EXAM

HUMOR 105 - "BUFFOONERY: AGGRESSION IN SERVICE OF THE BLOATED EGO"

For each of the following quotes, identify the source.

Write I for Ignatius, or P for Petri.

All of the quotes are from one of those two sources. Some of the answers can be found in your course materials. For others, you will have to check the original sources, or else rely on your understanding of the differences between the two characters.

1. You are congenitally incapable of arriving at a decision of this importance.

2. I have no interest in reading your stupid comments - you are not even funny in your ignorance.

3. Well, in that case you are a complete idiot, because you don't understand what I wrote above.

4. Do I believe the total perversion that I am witnessing?

5. Dear me. Stupidity in the UK has no bounds, it seems.

6. We do not wish to be bothered in the future by such tedious complaints.

7. I could not care less for irrelevant comments coming from some technological backwater like the Netherlands

8. Do you seriously think that I am interested in your tawdry encounters with such sub-humans as folk-singers?

9. Thank you for your attention and please carry on inspecting your navel-lint.

10. If we had wished to include you in our conversation, we would have indicated it by now.

11. ...the comments revealing, as they did, your complete lack of contact with reality.

12. ...didn't have the faintest idea of the subject but nevertheless decided to let us all know how ignorant he is.

13. Where did you get your training at - the Kremlin?

14. He will probably be coming after us in a few moments, as soon as he has subdued that aging fascist.

15. Were you more aware, you would know or realize by now....

16. I have received your offensive communication.

17. More evidence of your profound ignorance.

18. I don't have time for people like you. You know so little that it's not even funny.

19. My apologies for being so many decades ahead of London.

20. So far I have been able to circumvent the various attempts to censor my views.

21. Oh, my God! Are they letting her speak in public now?

22. ....raises your rating from the previous "non-sentient life form" to "able to read, but non-intelligent"

23. You have so far managed to demonstrate a deep and profound ignorance....

24. I am an anachronism. People realize this and resent it.

25. For once, I'm not taking a stance or trying to demonstrate superior logical, pointy-eared, conceptual thinking.

26. But his resentment and jealousy of me are increasing daily; no doubt they will ultimately overwhelm him and thereby destroy his mind. The grandeur of my physique, the complexity of my worldview, the decency and taste implicit in my carriage, the grace with which I function in the mire of today's world -- all of these at once confuse and astound Clyde.

27. I am the most knowledgeable and intelligent user of VW on this forum or anywhere else. Surely there are many & various special areas where I am hardly a novice, but overall no-one beats me. What the great unwashed masses think of me does not concern me. I'm sure that you would be much better off if you'd apply the "Ignore this user" setting for me: I must make you feel totally ignorant and stupid.

28. Sorry. Those of you who are interested in the latest bleak frankfurter news will find none. My mind is too preoccupied with the magnificence of this design.

29. Rising to my full height -- a spectacle in itself -- I looked down upon the offending policeman and crushed him with a comment which, fortunately, he failed to understand.

30. I am an Archangel and Christiaan is just a humble Serafim.

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Very amusing, VectorGeek, that note from your mother. It looks suspiciously like your handwriting. I'll just give her a call. Or would you rather take the test?

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Cross-post from VectorScript Forum

This is the helpful reply I made to Petri's stinging expos? of VectorGeek. I think he intended to put it here, but got mixed up because VG had cross-posted the list he was responding to. In any case, it belongs here.

Re: New Product- PetriCad 1.0 (The Final Release) General Discussion VectorGeek 08/15/07 07:35 PM

. Re: Disappearing Data Display on Mac General Discussion VectorGeek 08/15/07 01:33 PM

. Re: New Product- PetriCad 1.0 (The Final Release) General Discussion VectorGeek 08/15/07 12:58 PM

. Re: New Product- PetriCad 1.0 (The Final Release) General Discussion VectorGeek 08/14/07 08:56 PM

. Re: New Product- PetriCad 1.0 (The Final Release) General Discussion VectorGeek 08/13/07 02:55 PM

. Re: VectorScript objects and IFC VectorWorks VectorScript VectorGeek 08/13/07 02:52 PM

. Re: date stamp General Discussion VectorGeek 08/08/07 07:53 PM

. Re: layer-layer VectorWorks VectorScript VectorGeek 08/08/07 02:25 PM

. Re: select lines & extend each by 250mm? VectorWorks VectorScript VectorGeek 08/08/07 02:22 PM

. Re: VectorScript objects and IFC VectorWorks VectorScript VectorGeek 08/07/07 12:52 PM

. Re: VectorScript objects and IFC VectorWorks VectorScript VectorGeek 08/02/07 04:46 PM

. Re: Stalinist NNA General Discussion VectorGeek 05/14/07 02:08 PM

Petri, you're missing the whole point of these lists. You can't just list the name and date of each post. What good is that? You have to provide actual text from the post. And you have to select only the funny parts. Okay? Now come on, try again.

You should also keep in mind that "VectorGeek" is obviously an alter ego of someone who normally posts under a different name, and that the name itself, the photo, and even the style of his posts are all a parody of you. Everyone else understands that, so you should adjust your repartie accordingly.

Look, maybe this is too subtle for you. Why not stick to ethnic slurs? You're good with ethnic slurs. VG says he's from "Earth." Can't you think of any insulting things to say about Earth? You're a Vulcan, after all. Can't you say something about our emotional nature, our illogical thought processes?

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Jan15, thanks for a rousing tour de force that manages to be funny without insulting anyone but Petri - who richly deserves the treatment, which in your hands manages to be quite a bit less sharp and more sympathetic than in his. He must hate you for that.

I, myself, have less talent for comedy than others posting to this thread. Sorry, but I'll have to live with having more appreciation than creativity.

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Pete,

Thanks for your kind words, but this thread is really just a tribute to Petri's comedy genius, an aspect of his genius that he's been more modest about than some others. I've contributed very little other than quotes from the master. If I've managed to be funny in my own words also, it's only because of his inspiration. If I've been dull and sympathetic, I hope noone hates me for it.

--------------------------------

Alright, class, let's review your answers to yesterday's test.

Who can tell me the correct answer to question number 1?

Simon has already told us that he thinks it's Petri. Does everyone agree?

What about you, PetriFried?

Where IS PetriFried today? Such a great name, and then he only used it for one post.

Anyone? Your answer to question 1? Is anyone there?

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Is anyone there?

?I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.?

-Woody Allen

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C'mon Jan15,

Surely youre not going to post mortem the exam one question per post... Let's get the results out there.If I did poorly, I'm fully prepared to go back and do my Doctorate of Petri, with the thesis, 'Petri and His Diachromatic Postings on CAD improvement from the Helsinki Perspective and the insultation of the International VW community with the exception of Finland'.

Regards

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Now, Simon, it's not just a matter of how well or how poorly you did on the test. The main thing is comprehension. We need to have a class discussion about each question to make sure everyone understands, so they'll do better in the final exam, and so they'll retain what they've learned later on out in the workplace. I know you're all concerned about your grades, but remember that the best way to improve your grade is to improve your comprehension.

Anyway, what's your hurry? You're not going anywhere, are you? Learning can be fun if you just relax and take it one step at a time. We've got all the time in the world.

So tell us why you thought the first quote was by Petri.

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Miss,

I feel that Question 1 was said by Petri because Petri's speciality is picking on the unchangeable. The fact that the individual is 'congenitally' challenged fits in with Petri's style.

BTW, I didn't know we had to write an essay about each answer...

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Simon, that's a very good analysis. Everything you said about it fitting in with Petri's style and specialty was correct. But this quote isn't from Petri. It's from Ignatius. Now don't feel badly that you got it wrong, or anyone else who got it wrong. Most of you got this one wrong. In fact, I got this one wrong myself! It was a very hard question, and so I'm not going to take any points off if you missed it.

1. You are congenitally incapable of arriving at a decision of this importance.
Answer: Ignatius - to his mother, talking about the incident with Patrolman Mancuso.

The full quote is:

"I see," Ignatius said calmly. "Knowing that you are congenitally incapable of arriving at a decision of this importance, I imagine that that mongoloid law officer put this idea into your head."

If you remove Ignatius' name and the context clue, 'law officer,' and substitute an ethnic word, like 'Australian,' it sounds just like Petri:

I see.

Knowing that you are congenitally incapable of arriving at a decision of this importance, I imagine that that mongoloid Australian put this idea into your head.

After I thought about it a little more, I realized that I don't remember Petri using the word "congenitally." Maybe it's only used in American prep schools. But Petri often uses other modifiers in his insults to show that someone's intellectual inferiority is extreme and beyond any hope of change, like "complete idiot," and "your profound ignorance," and "non-sentient life form."

I don't think he's used the word "mongoloid," either, but wouldn't it be just perfect for Petri? It means mentally retarded, and at the same time it's also an ethnic slur! Maybe we're giving him some new ideas.

Note the use of "I see" at the beginning, to show that Ignatius understands all and looks at the hopelessness of others with pity or detachment. You'll find that a lot in Petri's insults, too. At other times Petri and Ignatius use "How sad" or "Dear me" instead.

--------------------------------------

Okay, now who can tell us the answer to question number 2? Give us the answer, and tell us why you think that's the right answer. And if anyone has a different idea, you can just say it. You don't have to wait to be called on. This is an open discussion.

I'll give you a hint: question 2 was an easier question.

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I agree with Dontevenjoke, Petri must be working on his CAD release because he is not buying in, when, from my short experience, he usually does. I think the spirit of this thread is playful fun, but Petri is strangely silent.Could he be taking this personally? I don't think so. Prepare for the mother of all replies when the the giant awakes.

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Giant? Yes, I guess that's the only way to describe someone who can come up with such brilliant retorts as "How sad" or "Matopin Rock Fungus."

It would be great if Petri were to make more contributions to this thread. We need fresh material for the Final Exam.

I'm sure Petri understands that it's all in fun, since he kids people all the time in the same way.

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Well, I can see that everyone's feeling shy today. So I'll just give you some of the answers to the test. If anyone can add anything, or if you have any questions, feel free to interrupt at any time.

2. I have no interest in reading your stupid comments - you are not even funny in your ignorance.
Answer: Petri - #83153 - 07/27/07 05:45 AM

This one was easier because it was in the second list of Petri quotes. If you studied you probably got this one right.

Of course, if you didn't have that list it would have been impossible to tell. This quote would fit perfectly into one of Ignatius' letters. Ignatius, too, often tells people they're stupid or ignorant when what he really means is that he disagrees with something they said. And he often says it in this same way, telling the other person how bored and sad he feels because the level of their intelligence is so low that he can't even laugh at their disability.

Compare this with Petri's quote # 18:

I don't have time for people like you. You know so little that it's not even funny.

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3. Well, in that case you are a complete idiot, because you don't understand what I wrote above.
Answer: Petri - #79140 - 05/09/07 11:06 AM

Ignatius has that same habit of saying "you're the stupidest person who ever lived" when he really means "I don't think I stated my point clearly."

This quote was in the first list of Petri quotes. Maybe some of you don't remember that far back. That's why you should always review all your notes and hand-outs the night before a test.

Also, you can tell that it's an internet forum post, because of the phrase "what I wrote above." That's a good example of a 'context clue'. If I had left off the word "above," it would have been impossible to tell which character wrote this.

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4. Do I believe the total perversion that I am witnessing?
Answer: Ignatius - talking to himself while watching television

Petri talks to himself, too, but this quote doesn't sound like him. Ignatius often accuses people of being perverse, but Petri doesn't, at least not so far. Maybe after this test he'll start to think of someone on the forum as being perverse.

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5. Dear me. Stupidity in the UK has no bounds, it seems.
Answer: Petri - #74137 - 02/09/07 12:00 PM

This quote wasn't in any of the hand-outs, but there's a small clue in the expression "has no bounds." Ignatius, an American, would have said "knows no bounds," or "has no limit."

"Dear me" is just as typical of Ignatius as it is of Petri, and Ignatius would be just as likely as Petri to suggest that a person's entire nation is defective, as a way of indicating that he disagrees with something that person said.

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6. We do not wish to be bothered in the future by such tedious complaints.
Answer: Ignatius - in his letter to Abelman's Dry Goods.

This one was in the list of Ignatius quotes. It sounds like Petri, either speaking for the whole forum or maybe using the royal "we," but in fact it's Ignatius pretending to speak for the company where he works as a file clerk. Compare Ignatius' "we do not wish to be bothered" in this quote with Petri's "I have no interest" in quote #2, and also "tedious complaints" with "stupid comments":

I have no interest in reading your stupid comments

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7. I could not care less for irrelevant comments coming from some technological backwater like the Netherlands
Answer: Petri - #83087 - 07/26/07 04:59 AM

Easy question. We talked about this one a lot. Ignatius also insults whole populations as an attack on one person, but he's opposed to modern technology, so he probably wouldn't try to insult a country by calling it a 'technological backwater.'

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8. Do you seriously think that I am interested in your tawdry encounters with such sub-humans as folk-singers?
Answer: Ignatius - in his reply to Myrna's letter.

Another easy question, from the list of Ignatius quotes. It uses the adjective "tawdry," which somehow doesn't sound as much like Petri. And why would he be talking about folk-singers?

But the quote is similar to Petri in one way - it's attacking one person by insulting an entire class of people, as Petri does in quotes # 5, 7, and 19, and many other instances that aren't on the test. It's a class-action insult.

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9. Thank you for your attention and please carry on inspecting your navel-lint.

Answer: Petri - #76316 - 03/13/07 02:17 PM

Very easy. It was on the first list of quotes, and then we talked about it again later and I said it sounded exactly like Ignatius. It's what inspired me to make up a list of Ignatius quotes.

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10. If we had wished to include you in our conversation, we would have indicated it by now.
Answer: Ignatius - to the bartender, after the incident with Patrolman Mancuso.

It was on the list of Ignatius quotes, and the word "conversation" suggests that it was spoken, not written. On the forum, Petri would probably have said "discussion."

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